Honestly, I wish I was one of those cool punk rocker chicks who could go to all the shows and hang out with the bands and be so cool she doesn’t even realize the level of coolness she has attained.

I’m 24 years old. I shouldn’t be thinking I’m not “cool”. I’m cool. I’m awesome.

Anyway, I want to see Meg and Dia at the House of Blues next week. It’s a random want. I love their song “Monster” and have yet to discover much of the rest of their music, but I feel like you can’t go to concerts just to discover new music, and besides they’re only opening for Angels and Airways, who are okay, but I’d rather just see Mega and Dia. I feel like I’m also not cool enough to be part of their 109,000 member fanbase.

If Hanson came to town, whoaboy, I’d be there in a second, and I’d be MUCH cooler than everybody else, because I know all their songs and have liked them since I was 14. But the bands I like these days, like Fall Out Boy, Bright Eyes, Jimmy Eat World, and Meg and Dia… they’re just too cool for me, I think. It’s like I’m not supposed to belong to those groups.

*sigh* I am thinking of going to London for my sister’s graduation, but the following things are standing in my way:

• Money. Car stuff + new apartment + more car stuff + the money it would cost to fly to London = disastrous
• Time Off. If I do go to Europe, I’d like to go for 2 weeks and really enjoy myself. Right now, I don’t think that’s possible, and I don’t want to jeopardize my job. Even if the trip’s not till September, taking 2 full weeks off would be very, very hard.

We’ll see what happens. I miss updating my blog, so I’m going to try to do that more often now.

I just about sobbed over that stupid ASPCA commercial about the abused animals. Sarah McLachlan’s “Angel” is playing and they show all the abused animals and then put up some text like, “Some of them were too late to be saved” and show more images… The thing that gets to me especially was the small dog with only one eye. There’s a level and a part of me that is freaked out by it and another that says if that dog wandered into my backyard, I would love it to death and really give it a wonderful home.

It makes me feel so helpless, seeing commercials like that, because I know I’m sitting here in my comfortable apartment with everything I could ever need…and then there are people starving, being raped and abused, children amputated, bombs destroying cities, soldiers dying, babies shaken to death… It’s all too much. It’s just overwhelming to a point that you think, “Even with a donation to such and such…what will that accomplish? If it’s just me giving $18/month…what does that really do for anybody?”

I dunno…sometimes I think about things that are so beyond my little scope, and I feel so small and so worthless. I wish I could take in every single abused animal in the world and give it so much love and care. I’m so so so so incredibly happy to have found Pickle and adopted Nagini. Pickle was found in a trash can outside a restaurant. Someone threw him away with his brothers and sisters, and he was the only one not taken. When I saw him for the first time, he was just…so perfect. This perfect little kitten with big eyes and a sweet disposition. He cried and tried to nurse on the back of my neck. ;__; Ugh, I get a little emotional just thinking that he was only 4 weeks old, probably just off his mother (though he shouldn’t have been yet), and really could have died, even in our care, because some asshole dropped him off without a second thought. And now? He’s the best thing. He’s so sweet and lovey and playful and stupid and follows us around and cries for us when we leave and purrs and nurses on our arms and shirts because he thinks we’re his mothers.

Ugh.  T__T

And Nagini was found wandering around a truckstop or something. I have no idea what her story is, and I’m sure someone else would have adopted her, but I’m so thankful for her. I love her. She purrs all over us, is currently cuddled in my lap, and just is always so happy to see us when we wake up or come and see her.

I just wish people thought more before they took in pets or don’t get their friggin’ pets spayed or neutered or cared about animals enough to know they FEEL things just like we do. They feel pain, most likely sadness and I know depression, and when they are mistreated they can have trust issues, just like us.

:( Bah. Now I’m all worked up and sad. I’m just glad we were able to rescue our kitties. I’d love to rescue more, and Adriann and I were considering volunteering at the Petsmart by us to play with the kitties there to give them happy little lives, even if no one adopts them.

It’s been a while since I’ve written something meaningful. I miss the old days of journal writing when I actually had time to write and read other people’s entries and really comment on them. Sometimes I try to comment, but mostly it comes off sounding empty or listless. My intentions aren’t to sound that way, so at least there’s that.

I love my job. I love it sooo much and it is the best job I’ve ever had. But sometimes, I really hate the 40 hour work week. I’m only 24. It seems like other people my age are out doing fun things, hanging out, partying, staying up late. Staying up late to me means midnight. Though Adriann told me someone else we work with, who’s a good deal older, told her he was “out late” on a Friday, which to him meant staying out till 8pm. At least I’m not there yet.

But I’m mentally drained. I took a “vacation” in July, and Adriann and I have gone on several trips since then, but it never seems to be enough. I’d love to travel more. I’d literally adore being in a different place every several months. I know that’s not practical, but it’s a fantasy that someday I hope to fulfill. Every day I’m trying to think up get rich quick schemes that fall through. We’ve thought of everything…just don’t have the time or really the mental patience I think to make it work.

Speaking of getting rich quick, we watched Richie Rich today. It was much better than I remembered, and it was a brainless break from thinking for 2 hours.

I’m sad that I don’t get to go home for Christmas. I really kind of miss my mom’s house in Missouri. I miss the snow. I miss the biting cold (it’s cold here, gets down to the mid-30s at night, but it’s not the same). I miss Main Street and seeing the horses with their winter coats. I miss driving down Highway 94 and Highway K. They’re staples of growing up for me.

Sometimes, I think about moving back to Missouri. I know it wouldn’t make me happy at this point in my life. I think it might drive me crazy. I just wish I could live in two places. When I’m sad and missing Missouri, I could have a small place there. When I long for the ocean or want to see Adriann’s family or chill with Deana and the gang, I could go back to California. Wait, I’d like 3 places - make another one in New York, which I also miss a lot. Those three places all hold different meanings for me - Missouri is about stability and the comfort in things that haven’t changed and catching up with the people I love most. California is about amazing friends and family and a beautiful scene with a laid-back culture. New York reminds me of winter and spring, and it makes me think of walking down the hall in my dorm and running into 20 people I know in a row, all of them awesome and unique people. I remember concerts of Matt Caplan in New York and symphonies in the City; I think about my mom and friends in Missouri and seeing Jenn’s shows and Cuppa Jo and ‘home’; and I think of my incredible life, girlfriend, and job and future here in California.

Why isn’t it possible to combine all those places and things? Why does the world have to be so huge?

My dad keeps sending me Merry Christmas emails. I finally responded today with “MERRY CHRISTMAS EVEN THOUGH THERE ARE 3 DAYS LEFT!!!!!” I tried to be lighthearted, but my dad is just… he makes me uncomfortable and very, very sad. My sister moved out to the building behind our house. The way he says that in an email makes it sound like him and Brenda and her son decorated their hearts out and made it homey for her. The way it really is, because she’s told me, is that there’s no TV, no internet, no hot water or shower, and they forced her out there despite the fact she would rather stay in her own bedroom IN THE HOUSE. It’s wonderful my dad suddenly cares about other people’s kids, but he can’t sit there and pretend through emails that he cares about his own. It’s so frustrating and terrible.

/rant.

We went out last night (we being me, Adriann, Deana, Heather, and Greg) for the Christmas Party. We all went to the Cheesecake Factory. The food was pretty good, and we all got dandied up. Adriann curled my hair and did my makeup, Deana looked like a 50s housewife (that’s a huuuge compliment coming from me!), Adriann was so gorgeous I just wanted to hold her all night, Heather wore an awesome sparkly dress she got for like $5, and even Greg looked nice. Not that he doesn’t always look nice - he just looked nicer than usual. ;)

When we got home from dinner, Heather gave us these styrofoam houses to put together. They’re kind of like non edible gingerbread houses. I didn’t think they’d be fun, but once we got started, we were all soooo into it.

Deana brought over High School Musical 2’s extended edition DVD and we watched the Humahuma music video, which was very, very amusing and cute.

Adriann gave me a Nintendo DS Lite for Christmas. ^__^; It’s an awesome present. I can’t even. She also got me the Jam Sessions game for it, which is kind of like guitar hero, only actually a bit tougher. Heather got me a case for the DS as well as these awesome Japanese-style bowls. They’re friggin awesome.

I bought Adriann a Mighty Mouse for her new Mac. She has another gift coming…which I’ll mention later. ;) Can’t spoil the big surprise.

Christmas Eve I’ll be spending the night with Adriann at her mom and dad’s and then going to her aunt’s house for Christmas. I’m incredibly nervous about it. I feel very out of place, but Adriann’s family is so unbelievably sweet. I’m basically their daughter, and her mom constantly tells me this. It makes me feel better, even though it’s really hard thinking about spending the holidays with someone else’s family.

I bought my mom and grandma tickets to see Blast! at the Fox Theatre for Christmas, as well as $25 gift certificates for Red Lobster. I really wanted to give them a nice gift that would allow my mom to take a night off from work and enjoy herself at no charge to her. Everybody deserves a night off. I just hope it’s okay and they enjoy it.

Well, there’s an update for you. Merry Christmas everybody.

In about two hours, I’ll be 24 years old.

I know I shouldn’t think this way, but it’s getting to the point that I really wonder if time passes at all or if we just make up these incriments to satisfy some desire for organization. In 6 years, I’ll be 30.

30.

When I was fourteen, I knew exactly what I’d be doing at 30. There was no doubt in my mind for my career, my life, my family, my friends. I don’t think those dreams are going to come true, as angsty as that sounds, and I get scared thinking of big numbers like 30. After 30 comes 40. My mom was in her thirties when she had me. After 40 comes 50. My mom is over 50 right now. After 50 comes 60. Maybe 70, 80…

I hate thinking like this. :( I’m torn between wanting to have a good time on my birthday with friends (everyone’s spending the night tomorrow, which is awesome) and sitting in a corner crying. I don’t want to grow older. Why do we grow old and die?

The Pirate

One day you’ll wake up
there will be nothing left

the old you will
seem distant, deteriorated –
dead.

I miss her sometimes
only when I’m down

she brought me there
unaware, I followed –
a ghost

I have to say, working for Lunarpages is just about the greatest thing in the history of things. It’s very hectic and more often than not I’m crazy busy and thinking about my job even when I’m not there, but it’s very rewarding to say the least. I can’t really say why, but I think one of the reasons is that I really believe in the company and I’m honestly amazed at the amount of work we all do to make sure customers are happy. I hope Adriann gets to see that wonderful side as well, and I’m sure she will. She’s going to work with me, btw, in case any of you didn’t already know! It’s kind of exciting, kind of scary, but mostly just great. :) I’m excited about the money aspect of it as well as the idea that she’s finally going to have a rewarding job. I think working with LP will be a great experience for both of us.

/rant.

In other news, I tried to make amends with Jenn. Don’t think it’s going to do much good, but I’m so exhausted by her actions sometimes that it’s easier just to try and start over. The thought of never speaking to her again always leaves me aching. Sometimes, I sit there and just think, “What would happen if she died tomorrow?” And after my stomach knots up and my throat clenches, I feel like shit. I think that sort of thing about all my friends, and it’s incredibly morbid and very, very unsettling. With Jenn, it’s harder because it would all be so unresolved… Not that resolution ever really makes anything better, but I could always hope.

I put pictures up today at work and FINALLY decorated my cubicle. Yeah, I’ve been there 6 months on Monday and I hadn’t yet decorated. But as I was putting pics up, Tawni came over and asked me about all of them, so I was showing her Jackie and Vickie, the grandma pic of Adriann, my kitties, Jenn, my sister, dad wrestling the croc, etc. She asked, “Don’t you miss them?” and I got this overwhelming nostolgia.

I sometimes miss being a freshman in college. It was a really hard and stressful time, but it was also an invigorating time, and the summer before I left was an incredible memory that I can’t ever forget. It was like this neverending haze. I don’t even remember too many specifics at all; just that it was amazing and that feeling hasn’t been easy to capture in the adult sphere. I think I’m always too anxious and scared of things, of being myself and being loud, but I’m trying to crawl out of that shell a bit. I don’t think it’s worked yet, but then again, no one has really given me the opportunity to feel understood like Jackie, Vickie, and Jenn did back that summer and before and since.

I should mention, Val and Jillian are reading this journal again! :) This makes me soooooo soo happy, because I miss them an incredible amount too. Sometimes, Adriann and I realize just how quiet it is in our apartment, and we lament the fact that Dan’s not screaming and Jillian’s not screaming and they’re not fighting and saying, “I LOVE YOU!” after. And I miss playing hangman with Val or just chatting about tattoos and boys. lol We sound so emo.

Anyway, to Jill and Val — come visit whenever you want!!!! Our apartment is big enough to house you guys and we’d totally love to have you. :) We’d have to do Disneyland and a bonfire at the beach. soooo eeeemoooo.

My back is getting better. I don’t even think I mentioned the fact that it’s been hurt and I’ve been going to physical therapy, but there you have it. Physical therapy SUCKS, btw. The place I have to go to just sucks sucks sucks. I hate every second of it and they’re not nice and they never return my calls and the doctor is Russian or Indian or some combination of both and I can’t understand her. :( I have to go back tomorrow, and I’m not looking forward to it. Mostly…I just wonder why I have to pay $20 to have someone tell me how to do Pilates and hook me up to an electronic massage for 10 minutes. It doesn’t seem worth the effort.

I also have to go an orthopedic specialist… I can’t spell. I’m assuming they’ll give me some ideas for back support pillows, chairs, shoes, etc. I’m going to be like the guy in that Seinfeld episode who gives Elaine the back support mattress and shops at the “Lumbar Yard” or whatever.

Anyway, that’s a short update in the life of Tiara. Enjoy.

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What I miss most about the Honors College is the culture. It was always, always, always in your face, incredible, and I never felt like I deserved it. There were times when I would walk down the streets of New York after an opera in Manhattan and just feel my heart swell at the sight of the fountains glowing, the streetlights, the taxicabs, the bustle even at midnight. I miss going to Dean Garner’s house for dinner and talking about a book over coffee, with Valerie by my side stressing out because neither of us had finished the novel. I loved writing my thesis, even though it stressed me out beyond any stress I’ve ever known, and I loved sitting in the classes, around a big table, just talking and listening and actually learning.

If I ever teach, I strive to teach like that.

What a nice long message! All is well here. I have to figure out how to survive 10 more days of events. That will get me to spring break. March ended up with two to four evening events during every week and often weekend events too. ALL WONDERFUL! But I’m teaching FIVE classes and I just can’t get everything done. Still, I love it all. We’re going to do the new Martin Amis book for reading circle–House of Meetings. But I haven’t read it yet!! It’s BRAND new. We’re off to Shakespeare tonight. The reivews have been great. And we go again a week from Friday. We had a great Beethoven’s 5th piano concerto at Carnegie Hall last week. And all Mozart at NY Philharmonic next week. Our weather is the WORST. Massive ice/sleet storm last Friday. There are piles everywhere. Yuk! But spring will come. I’ve been rereading Chaucer for the first time in years for a tutorial. Heaps of fun. Congratulations on your promotion. Richly deserved I’m sure. You can see from how random all this is how frazzled I am. But it’s a happy frazzlement! Yours always, Richard

Don’t think I don’t take notice of the summer blossoms as they fall
    I do, and as worn, yellow Chucks crush the cripled pink of each blush,
                I count.

One,
    let’s try to be better human beings.

Two,
    let’s not fear when things change on us.

Three,
    you should never underestimate mortality.

Four,
    someday, you will not have to count anymore.
       someday, you will just walk, like normal people.
          this is the day you should fear.

There are just some days where you allow yourself to dwell on the sentimentalness of life. You think about someone or something or maybe a smell or sight jogs your memory. Either way, you start to miss. Things, people, places, times, adventures, losses, everything. One single thought triggers a whole lifetime you have been living without. Just fine, too. You haven’t missed that life at all while you’ve breathed a thousand times, blinked another thousand, and spoken words that don’t relate to who you were then.

I was walking from my car to the apartment complex today, and I caught a whiff of something in the air. It smelled, felt, and looked like Adelphi in the spring. There’s an activeness to the environment — it’s 6pm and yet people are running, playing, shouting. The sun is so bright still in the sky, the grass is lush and warm, and there’s a feeling like this is the best day you’re ever going to have, as long as you hold onto it.

You want to bottle the sensation, keep the spring of it forever.

That is, of course, impossible. So instead, I write journal entries that will be forgotten, passed over, and I send letters and am unable to send letters.

I wrote the following to Dean Garner, who I miss a lot in moments like these.  Sometimes, I wish….but I don’t feel like explaining:

Dean Garner,

I was feeling completely reminiscent today and thought of you and the Honors College. :) It’s extremely sunny, bright, and beautiful outside — and wouldn’t you know it, I’ve been stuck indoors all day. But now, I’m sitting on my bed, enjoying the view, and taking advantage of a wireless computer and the Chino Hills and Mountain Range.

This kind of weather is something I definitely treasured in New York. I’d take advantage of it by studying in the Quad behind Earle or just taking a long walk around the campus. In place of that, I may take a long walk around my apartment complex, though there are palm trees instead of apple blossoms and a Junior High team playing soccer instead of the ultimate frisbee gang that always frequented the outdoors of Adelphi on sunny spring days!

My job is going so incredibly well. I had a “review” after 3 months of working for Lunarpages and my boss basically did the unthinkable — she kept me on and gave me a…well… HUGE raise to boot. I am now one of two Affiliate Managers in our Business Development team and because the other manager is out on sick leave for a good term, I’m almost in charge. Scary? A little. And also incredibly rewarding. I have to say, none of it would be possible without the Honors College and I thank you every day I realize that.

How are things up North? :) Are the Theses turning out well? And what new books or music are you into these days? And the other professors are well, too, I hope? Tell Dean Della Croce I said hello!

I think someday I need to be a professor myself, as I constantly miss being a part of Adelphi. :)

Take care, and I hope to hear from you soon!

-Tiara