Yesterday was a terrible day for the most part. The highlight was attending the LP Christmas Party, which was so much fun. I won a huge gift basket full of liquor and alcoholic fun, worth well over $200 I think. It weighed about 50 pounds, and it was likely amusing to the crowd of people at Dave and Busters to watch me hauling the thing out to my car in heals and a dress shirt. Adriann won a gift basket with a fondue maker and a bunch of stuff for the fondue set, like chocolate fondue, a recipe book, marshmallows, etc. I was dressed up like a girl - I wore this awesome royal blue/green kind of shirt that looks like a dress (it was tight and had a bow tied in back) over jeans with my boots underneath. Adriann curled my hair and did my girly makeup.
The reason I wanted to look good - the rest of the day was a nightmare and my self-esteem had been shot.
We woke up in a great mood. We decided to drive out to Sonic for breakfast and then needed to go to some store to get clothes for the Christmas party since we didn’t have anything to wear. We’re just about to the edge of the road, ready to turn onto the major road leading to the freeway, when Adriann asks, “….where’s your car??”
I look over and my car has disappeared from where it was parked last time we moved it.
My car was GONE.
I started freaking out. In my head, I didn’t know if it had been towed or stolen. I started crying. Adriann was amazing and called the police for me. They told her it was towed and to call this towing place where it was waiting for me. Adriann called and the guy says we need to come pick it up.
We drive up there, and I’m still crying, trying my hardest to stop, but confrontations make me anxious which brings tears and frustration. Once we get there, I say, “Hi my car’s the Ford Focus” ’cause we see it sitting in the body shop, “and I needed to pick it up?” The guy says, “Okay, just need your license and proof of ownership.” I say, “oh…it’s in my dad’s name.” He says, “Uh well the registered owner has to come and pick it up. Where is he?” Of course, “He’s in Missouri.”
The guy very nicely explains what needs to be done - that my dad needs to fax this and this and this. I couldn’t hear anything. I just started crying again and tried to explain to the guy why I was upset - um my car had been TOWED without reason - and I walked outside to call my dad.
I had been dreading calling my dad. A lot. I had made a small resolution with myself to call him this weekend, but who knows if that would have fallen through or not. Anyway, I call my old house and leave a sobbing message on his answering machine because he doesn’t answer. I feel embarrassed, thinking Brenda (his girlfriend) is going to hear it, and I really don’t want her to. I call my mom’s house because I don’t have my cell on me and don’t know my dad’s number so I need to call someone who has Tiffany’s cell so I can get my dad’s number.
My grandma answers (mom’s at work) and I get my sister’s number. I call my sister and she says, “Dad’s out of town in Memphis, probably at Brenda’s trailer.” I don’t want to even discuss that. In my head I was freaking out, thinking there’d be no way Brenda would have a frigging fax machine in her trailer.
I call my dad and he says,”Thought you’d forgotten about me.” Through tears, I manage to tell him the situation. He says, “Well, I’m in Memphis.” “I know.” “And there’s no fax here.” “…can’t you get to a Kinkos or something?” “Why didn’t you call me on Thanksgiving?”
This is where I lost it. Normally, I’m quiet and reserved and kind of white lie my way through these talks. At this point, I just didn’t want to lie and wanted to tell him exactly why I hadn’t called or written.
Me: “Your last email really bothered me.”
Dad: “Well, you didn’t call on Thanksgiving.”
Me: “Can we talk about this some other time?”
Dad: “You could at least call on Thanksgiving.”
Me: “You didn’t call on my birthday!”
Dad: “Yes I did, Tiara.”
Me: “NO, dad, you didn’t.”
Dad: “I sent you $50!!”
Me: ……. “Let’s talk about this later.”
Dad: “Why didn’t you call?”
Me: “I TOLD YOU. Your last email upset me!”
Dad: “I wrote that because I was upset you didn’t call.”
Me: “No not that email - the one before that. About you getting married, dad.”
Dad: “Why did that upset you? It’s not like I’m still married to your mom.”
Me: ….”I know, dad. Can we talk about this later?”
The conversation ended almost after that. Several hours later I got my car and the whole situation was resolved. This was after about an hour of sobbing hysterically to Adriann and having her hold me and just being overwhelmed with grief that my dad doesn’t care and doesn’t GET IT and yet overwhelmed with love for Adriann because she’s the best thing in my life and the most important and beautiful person in the world to me.
It was frustrating to me because I’ve been hearing from my sister what my dad’s doing to her, and it bugs me a lot. Him and Brenda took over the house and though Tiffany lives there, she’s more like a ghost than his real daughter, and he just picks fights with her, and I know she’s not perfect or anything, but she doesn’t deserve to be treated the way he treats her. Nobody does. He actually went snooping through her room to find “proof” that she smoked and threatened to mail that proof to our mom to tell on her. I don’t know what that would prove except that he was the last to know she smokes and I doubt my mom would ever even open a letter he sent her.
I talked to my sister about it all today, and it was good to actually tell her how I felt. I feel guilty for not being this perfect daughter that calls her dad every weekend, but he doesn’t make much of an effort either, and it’s hard to put myself through all the emotional crap I feel when I talk to him or read his emails. I end up feeling 100x worse than before I do, so what’s the point? It’s never going to be perfect, so why bother?
Sometimes I wish I drank harder. I would love to be one of those girls right now that drinks until they can’t think anymore. It would be nice to be devoid of thought for a night.
