I always post about the negative things, so let’s start with the positive.

We are moved out and have been living in our new place for an official week tomorrow. The cats have really taken to this place, as it gives them soooo much more room to run around. They adore the stairs and are even more fascinated by the streams outside. We don’t let them out but just opening the patio door and getting to watch the stream trickle along is wonderful for all of us.

Living with Deana is nice. ^^ We all get along and it’s like having a neverending slumber party. We’ve been ordering pizza a lot. That’s always a good thing in my book. I am a pizza monster.

Adriann and I are considering getting married. =^__^= The circumstances surrounding that out of the blue announcement are not the happiest, but thinking about getting a domestic partnership is actually really making me happy. Even if it doesn’t happen, that’s fine, but I love Adriann more than anything in the world and would love to say we’re officially never leaving one another.

Now for the bad stuff.

Pippin, one of Adriann’s dogs, died several weeks ago. I didn’t want to write about it for a variety of reasons, one of which was that he was just the smallest, sweetest dog in the world. :( I already miss playing fetch with him and watching him roll over on his belly, and getting to cuddle him. I guess he had liver failure and just…died. The last time Adriann and I saw him, he was so thin and not eating or drinking. The other dogs wouldn’t even go near him, something that is so much eerier than it sounds. I cried a lot when he died. It still makes me feel so sad thinking about it, but I’m glad he’s no longer in pain at the very least.

RIP Pippin <3 <3

After that, I found out about my dad and the car, etc. That is at least fixable.

So are you ready for the best part? Oh yes, it gets worse:

Adriann was fired on Tuesday.

The whole situation was out of the blue, which is what made it so unbearable. Her supervisor basically sat her down and said, “Sorry, your sales suck, pack up your stuff”. No notice, no warning, just pack up and get out.

My job is currently unaffected, but mentally, it’s broken me a bit. The way it was done bothers me and of course the fact that Adriann’s friends are coming in from Germany in two weeks and basically she can’t get a job till they leave (who’s going to accept her if she says she has to take a vacation for two weeks a week after she starts?) and that we just moved out, etc… Yeah.

Luckily, Adriann can get on unemployment and they cashed out her vacation and sick days, all of which should pay for rent for the next two months or so. She’ll also be getting two commission checks from work, which will probably pay for another month. Plus savings, plus what I’ll be making (I got a $150 bonus recently, which is good timing).

So there’s an update in the life of Tiara and Adriann. I’ll keep you all posted…but honestly, I don’t much feel like writing here these days. Nothing against journal writing or this specific journal, I’m just too exhausted and mentally stressed that it doesn’t feel relaxing. :(

Maybe I’ll win that short story contest and get $1,000. Yay.

It does make me sad to know he died. :( I dunno…he was just doing all these awesome things and set to do some really great movies, really expanding his roles as an actor. I dunno, Adriann and I were talking about it, and it’s just so terrible that people who aren’t ruining their lives with drugs and alcohol have to die, while people who ruin their lives with that stuff are still doing all that crap, not caring for anybody else or even themselves. I’m not saying I’d like all people who do drugs/alcohol/etc to die - I’m just saying it wouldn’t be a surprise to hear that Britney Spears died of an overdose or something, while it’s a real shock that someone who was set to do wonderful things just…died.

I guess the suddenness of it is the worst. Who was expecting this? :(

I’m even more excited to see Batman now.

You’ll be missed, Heath. :’(

In about two hours, I’ll be 24 years old.

I know I shouldn’t think this way, but it’s getting to the point that I really wonder if time passes at all or if we just make up these incriments to satisfy some desire for organization. In 6 years, I’ll be 30.

30.

When I was fourteen, I knew exactly what I’d be doing at 30. There was no doubt in my mind for my career, my life, my family, my friends. I don’t think those dreams are going to come true, as angsty as that sounds, and I get scared thinking of big numbers like 30. After 30 comes 40. My mom was in her thirties when she had me. After 40 comes 50. My mom is over 50 right now. After 50 comes 60. Maybe 70, 80…

I hate thinking like this. :( I’m torn between wanting to have a good time on my birthday with friends (everyone’s spending the night tomorrow, which is awesome) and sitting in a corner crying. I don’t want to grow older. Why do we grow old and die?

Spoilers ahoy. Cross the line if you dare.

The following are opinions and predictions for Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows. There are no spoilers, precisely because I have not read any myself but also because how would I know what’s going to happen? These are just my thoughts about Book 7 and the characters I love so much. Read on, give me your thoughts, and enjoy.

Don’t think I don’t take notice of the summer blossoms as they fall
    I do, and as worn, yellow Chucks crush the cripled pink of each blush,
                I count.

One,
    let’s try to be better human beings.

Two,
    let’s not fear when things change on us.

Three,
    you should never underestimate mortality.

Four,
    someday, you will not have to count anymore.
       someday, you will just walk, like normal people.
          this is the day you should fear.

Anna Nicole Smith died today.

I thought, when Joe stood up and told me that, he was joking and it would be some odd punchline about her weight or some other kind of pun. It wasn’t though. She’s dead.

I don’t know why…but it made me feel incredibly helpless and small, insignificant. I’ve been having a crap day either way (can’t write why at the moment but will elaborate soon), and that just sort of punctuated the blackness. I mean, she just collapsed. If someone that important (don’t argue this, because everyone knew her name, so even if she was “worthless” in your eyes, she was obviously something special for our culture) could just fall over and die, what chance does that leave the rest of us? I could fall over today and just…it would be over.

These are things beyond what I can understand, and that’s what makes me so sad.

Below is the only text on the homepage for Trimspa.com. I think that’s admirable of them, and as I said when I clipped this article for ClipClip, may she rest in peace, wherever she may be. :(

 

Whippany, NJ, February 8, 2007 – Today, Anna Nicole Smith’s grief stricken and tumultuous personal life came to an end. Anna came to our Company as a customer, but she departs it as a friend. While life for Anna Nicole was not easy these past few months, she held dear her husband, Howard K. Stern, her daughter, Dannielynn Hope, her most cherished friends, beloved dogs, and finally, her work with TRIMSPA.Anna knew both the joy of giving life, and the heartache of losing a child. We pray that she is granted the peace that eluded her more recent days on earth, and that she find comfort in the presence of her son, Daniel. – Alex Goen, CEO and Founder, TRIMSP

Leaving tomorrow morning for Affiliate Summit West. I’m incredibly nervous. I guess it’s mostly because I’m still so incredibly new to Affiliate marking and I’m just afraid of saying or looking stupid. I guess the goal of these things is to network, make friends, and ultimately gain something you didn’t have before for your business. It’s all about talking, hand-shaking, and like…selling yourself. And I think I’m going to fall a little short.

But I’m going and that’s that. Even though I’m still incredibly sick and coughing up my right lung and pretty nervous and having anxiety attacks, I’m going, because I think it’s going to be really good for me in the long run.

What’s more important right now is that Snowball Marstall has passed away. :( It really breaks my heart a little, because Snowball was such a great dog for that family — my favorite family in the world and my second on. She was 13 years old and lived an extremely full and happy life. RIP Snowball. You really touched a lot of people and you probably never knew it.

It’s always so hard for me, looking at pictures of people who no longer exist…and with Snowball, it seems no different. You’ll be missed. <3

Am I the only person in the world who felt a little…lost after reading Saddam was hanged? I mean, I don’t support him, I think he was a tyrant, and he killed a lot of people, hurt a whole country for his deeds. Yet… I can’t bring myself to be happy he’s dead. How can you be happy someone died?

Sometimes when I think about the fact that someone has just died, I get a strange feeling in my throat, like I can feel them dying and be dying with them. We’re all dying, I know, day by day, but I can feel it. It makes me nauseous and scared. I’m frightened of my own end, of the moment when I’ll be facing whatever the future plan for my death is…

I felt so sad as I thought about him walking up to the noose, having someone fit it around his throat, letting him hang there as he twitched and died.

It’s all over at that moment, and I wonder if he worried about his family, about friends, about loved ones, about regrets, about publicity, about anything. What do you think about just before you die?

Adriann and I recently saw Love at the Mirage in Vegas, and it’s got me thinking about the Beatles, how the two who were the most talented and inspirational are dead and the two who live on produce some meaningful things but mostly just go on being bland and ordinary. John Lennon would have done beautiful, incredible things. George Harrison did do beautiful, incredible things.

Harrison once said: “Everything else can wait, but the search for God cannot.“

I hate coming home. I really do. I mean, I love it. I love seeing my friends, driving down streets I remember by heart, and seeing that nothing has changed since last time I was here. But what I hate is the loneliness. It always creeps in, no matter what I do or who I’m with or without.

I guess today it was my dad’s fault. He’s been lonely…and I understand. Just recently, my mother divorced him, and I don’t think he realized my sister would eventually go to London for school (possibly to live) and I’d end up in California (possibly New York to live). He kept telling me this whole ‘break’ that he missed us being around and that he understands we want to spend time with our friends because that’s what he did when he was a kid and when his parents died, he wished he’d spent more time with them.

I understand but… he brought this on himself? My mom has yet to tell me exactly why she divorced him, but I know he cheated on her (possibly numerous times) and spent all our money and racked up bills in her name, etc. Pretty much ruined her name financially. And I always feel guilty about him being alone, but I thought seriously about it today and realized that it’s not my fault. It’s really not, no matter how bad I feel, because when I looked back on my youth, I couldn’t really remember any times my dad wanted to hang out with me. I mean, when I was young, we played baseball in the front yard, and I remember how proud he was when I whacked the ball all the way over the trees and past the driveway. He said I could really be a player if I trained and practiced, but we both knew that wasn’t in my future.

Anyway, I remember that… At the dog shows, it was always mom, me, and Tiffany. Not dad. I don’t remember dad ever being there with us… On vacations, my sister and I would fight over who got to sit with mom or hold mom’s hand, and I secretly always went with dad because I knew it would cause an awkward scene if I let Tiffany fight with me over it. But…besides the baseball thing, I don’t remember times with my dad much. Not just “Tiara and dad” times anyway…

I wondered today why it’s such a major thing in my life to make him proud of me. It shouldn’t mean so much, since I barely spend any time with him, but his approval on things, even little insignificant things, is what I constantly strive for. Like, I just recorded a CD with my girlfriend, and I put the Beatles cover Nowhere Man on there just for dad…

Blah. Yesterday, his eyes were teary when I talked to him. Tomorrow, I have to say goodbye. I don’t know when I’ll see him again. I wish I could say I loved him. He told me he went to Denny’s I think for Thanksgiving…and that he really missed having Christmas with all of us.

Gods, it hurts sometimes, not being able to say “i love you” and knowing — really knowing — one day it’s going to be too late.

I didn’t get to see one of my “best friends” this trip home. Yeah, it bugs me. She barely contacted me… What constitutes a best friend? I really miss her.