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Honestly, I wish I was one of those cool punk rocker chicks who could go to all the shows and hang out with the bands and be so cool she doesn’t even realize the level of coolness she has attained.

I’m 24 years old. I shouldn’t be thinking I’m not “cool”. I’m cool. I’m awesome.

Anyway, I want to see Meg and Dia at the House of Blues next week. It’s a random want. I love their song “Monster” and have yet to discover much of the rest of their music, but I feel like you can’t go to concerts just to discover new music, and besides they’re only opening for Angels and Airways, who are okay, but I’d rather just see Mega and Dia. I feel like I’m also not cool enough to be part of their 109,000 member fanbase.

If Hanson came to town, whoaboy, I’d be there in a second, and I’d be MUCH cooler than everybody else, because I know all their songs and have liked them since I was 14. But the bands I like these days, like Fall Out Boy, Bright Eyes, Jimmy Eat World, and Meg and Dia… they’re just too cool for me, I think. It’s like I’m not supposed to belong to those groups.

*sigh* I am thinking of going to London for my sister’s graduation, but the following things are standing in my way:

• Money. Car stuff + new apartment + more car stuff + the money it would cost to fly to London = disastrous
• Time Off. If I do go to Europe, I’d like to go for 2 weeks and really enjoy myself. Right now, I don’t think that’s possible, and I don’t want to jeopardize my job. Even if the trip’s not till September, taking 2 full weeks off would be very, very hard.

We’ll see what happens. I miss updating my blog, so I’m going to try to do that more often now.

I have “Giants in the Sky” in my head. This morning I went on a Sondheim binge and downloaded a bunch of Into the Woods and Sweeney stuff. It makes me want to watch Into the Woods very, very, very badly, but 1) our VCR doesn’t quite work and 2) it’d be best to wait until after the guests leave since they might not fancy it. Though they like musicals, so who knows.

Things I’m worried about:

* car insurance - it’s so expensive…I’m so spoiled that I’ve never had to worry about it till now :(

* car repairs - they were far more expensive than I had anticipated (I wanted to pay $500…the total cost was over $1,000 for only half of what was needed), and Adriann’s grandma wrote out a check for everything so I can’t very well make minimum payments ;_; I appreciate her effort but it puts me in an awkward spot and makes me very, very anxious

* Adriann - I know she’ll be okay, but she has so much stress right now that I think it’s draining her

* credit card payments - I paid off my car so that my dad wouldn’t have control over it, but that was before I realized I’d have to deal with all the stuff above, so now I have that $2,000 to pay off

*siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh* I am just so ready for the world to end.

I’ve been having bad depression and anxiety lately. It’s most likely because of all the stuff Adriann and I have been doing over the past week and a half while her friends are in from Germany, but it’s taking its toll. Here’s everything we’ve done since last week:

* Vegas
* The Grand Canyon (one of the best experiences of my life)
* 8am-1am Disneyland
* 10am-11pm California Adventure

It seems like there was a lot more, but I guess that’s it. @__@ Oh yeah, and WORK. I don’t know how I fit “work” in there, but it’s there somehow, and I’ve actually not fallen asleep at my desk.

Read that last sentence and you can tell how tired I am.

I didn’t make it to the 2nd round of the short story contest. :( It really bugs me, because there was a story I read that I didn’t think was all that great that made it to the 2nd round. Was my story that bad? Was it just because mine wasn’t exhausted with sci-fi? With cliches? Am I just bitter because I lost?

It’s frustrating when you think something you wrote is actually good for a change and nobody else does. I mean, okay, my friends do, but I’d like for strangers to agree as well, even if that shouldn’t matter much.

We saw Sweeney Todd at a $2 theatre the other day, and it was really good. Again. At California Adventure, we got to interact with Crush from Finding Nemo and he called me “Tubular Tiara”, which I was amused by. We’re going to have a bonfire on Friday, which should be fun, but I’m just anxious and feeling so exhausted, so I hope I can separate myself and at least have some fun.

I really want to start writing again. I think once things settle down here and Adriann is back on track, I’m going to devote 5 hours/week to writing. That’s like 260 hours/year, which seems pretty good to me.

*sigh* Time to go. :( :( :(

It does make me sad to know he died. :( I dunno…he was just doing all these awesome things and set to do some really great movies, really expanding his roles as an actor. I dunno, Adriann and I were talking about it, and it’s just so terrible that people who aren’t ruining their lives with drugs and alcohol have to die, while people who ruin their lives with that stuff are still doing all that crap, not caring for anybody else or even themselves. I’m not saying I’d like all people who do drugs/alcohol/etc to die - I’m just saying it wouldn’t be a surprise to hear that Britney Spears died of an overdose or something, while it’s a real shock that someone who was set to do wonderful things just…died.

I guess the suddenness of it is the worst. Who was expecting this? :(

I’m even more excited to see Batman now.

You’ll be missed, Heath. :’(

Maybe I should be on medication. Sometimes, my anxiety is so overwhelming that all I want to do is curl up in a ball and sob. I don’t want anybody to be near me, I don’t want to talk about it, and I fear the smallest things like going to sleep or eating. I can’t describe it better than to say imagine how you would feel if you suddenly couldn’t breathe or walk.

It happens mostly on Sundays. I fear losing the weekend and watching my life go so quickly by. I fear the new week and going to work, even though there’s nothing about work I should fear. I fear waking up and doing normal stuff like showering and eating breakfast.

I used to take these Iron pills every day, and for a while that was helping with my hair loss, anxiety, and random depression. I’ve been trying to take them again, to get back on a routine, but I keep forgetting and it appears that if you don’t take them every day of your life, the old symptoms creep back in. They do help, so I’m trying my best.

Sometimes I just fear I’m going to be one of those people on medication for the rest of her life…and that scares me a lot. Like I need a pill to be normal and do things that are normal to everyone else. That’s so terrifying.

::sigh:: Also, my fic died. Adriann read it over and gave me amazing criticism, and yet I haven’t been able to fix what’s wrong with it or move it forward in the least. I wish it wasn’t sci-fi. I suck at sci-fi.

I just about sobbed over that stupid ASPCA commercial about the abused animals. Sarah McLachlan’s “Angel” is playing and they show all the abused animals and then put up some text like, “Some of them were too late to be saved” and show more images… The thing that gets to me especially was the small dog with only one eye. There’s a level and a part of me that is freaked out by it and another that says if that dog wandered into my backyard, I would love it to death and really give it a wonderful home.

It makes me feel so helpless, seeing commercials like that, because I know I’m sitting here in my comfortable apartment with everything I could ever need…and then there are people starving, being raped and abused, children amputated, bombs destroying cities, soldiers dying, babies shaken to death… It’s all too much. It’s just overwhelming to a point that you think, “Even with a donation to such and such…what will that accomplish? If it’s just me giving $18/month…what does that really do for anybody?”

I dunno…sometimes I think about things that are so beyond my little scope, and I feel so small and so worthless. I wish I could take in every single abused animal in the world and give it so much love and care. I’m so so so so incredibly happy to have found Pickle and adopted Nagini. Pickle was found in a trash can outside a restaurant. Someone threw him away with his brothers and sisters, and he was the only one not taken. When I saw him for the first time, he was just…so perfect. This perfect little kitten with big eyes and a sweet disposition. He cried and tried to nurse on the back of my neck. ;__; Ugh, I get a little emotional just thinking that he was only 4 weeks old, probably just off his mother (though he shouldn’t have been yet), and really could have died, even in our care, because some asshole dropped him off without a second thought. And now? He’s the best thing. He’s so sweet and lovey and playful and stupid and follows us around and cries for us when we leave and purrs and nurses on our arms and shirts because he thinks we’re his mothers.

Ugh.  T__T

And Nagini was found wandering around a truckstop or something. I have no idea what her story is, and I’m sure someone else would have adopted her, but I’m so thankful for her. I love her. She purrs all over us, is currently cuddled in my lap, and just is always so happy to see us when we wake up or come and see her.

I just wish people thought more before they took in pets or don’t get their friggin’ pets spayed or neutered or cared about animals enough to know they FEEL things just like we do. They feel pain, most likely sadness and I know depression, and when they are mistreated they can have trust issues, just like us.

:( Bah. Now I’m all worked up and sad. I’m just glad we were able to rescue our kitties. I’d love to rescue more, and Adriann and I were considering volunteering at the Petsmart by us to play with the kitties there to give them happy little lives, even if no one adopts them.

Okay, so I’ve been a closet Tila Tequila fan because of her stupid MTV reality show about choosing between 16 guys and 16 girls to find her “true love” or whatever. Adriann and I grew randomly interested at the premise, and when there was nothing else on, we watched it easily, because it was pretty mindless and always funny to watch the idiot people do stupid things to profess their love for this random “bisexual” girl.

I quote the word bisexual, because there are two kinds of bisexual girls. 1) The true people who believe love holds no specific gender. They could marry a man or woman or something in between. I prefer to call this pansexual, because the point is that nothing should matter but how you fall in love. 2) The girls who know it’s “popular” to “make out” with other girls so they do it either for attention or to snag guys who are into that kind of stuff.

Tila is, I found out, definitely #2.

At the end of the show she was given the choice between Bobby, a kind of puppy dogish kid from a farm or something, and Dani, a butch but incredible emotional girl. In everything, Dani seemed to excel and connect. And Bobby? Well, he was okay. Kind of a dork. Kind of insecure. Kind of awkward. Everybody was betting Tila would go for Dani.

Okay, so I’m slightly upset about the fact that Dani lost — at the time, it basically made me want to throw things at the TV — but really, it’s just a TV show and I was all, “Oh well, at least that cute girl Dani can go out and find someone worthwhile now!” and I was over it. Until today.

Adriann pointed me towards an article about how apparently Tila and her new beau Bobby “broke up” recently…so she’ll be able to do A Shot At Love 2 on MTV next year.

Yeah.

It bugs me because:

1) It proves how utterly fake MTV’s versions of “reality” shows are.

2) It proves how far MTV has strayed from its true “music television” roots.

3) It proves that all America cares about is ridiculous, talentless #2 “bisexual” girls making out every 5 minutes

4) The way Tila said she “loved” everyone on the show drove me effing crazy.

5) There’s really no truth in any of it, and it’s all for publicity.

I dunno. It’s really all ridiculous but it bugs me, and that’s the truth. :)

Yesterday was a terrible day for the most part. The highlight was attending the LP Christmas Party, which was so much fun. I won a huge gift basket full of liquor and alcoholic fun, worth well over $200 I think. It weighed about 50 pounds, and it was likely amusing to the crowd of people at Dave and Busters to watch me hauling the thing out to my car in heals and a dress shirt. Adriann won a gift basket with a fondue maker and a bunch of stuff for the fondue set, like chocolate fondue, a recipe book, marshmallows, etc. I was dressed up like a girl - I wore this awesome royal blue/green kind of shirt that looks like a dress (it was tight and had a bow tied in back) over jeans with my boots underneath. Adriann curled my hair and did my girly makeup.

The reason I wanted to look good - the rest of the day was a nightmare and my self-esteem had been shot.

We woke up in a great mood. We decided to drive out to Sonic for breakfast and then needed to go to some store to get clothes for the Christmas party since we didn’t have anything to wear. We’re just about to the edge of the road, ready to turn onto the major road leading to the freeway, when Adriann asks, “….where’s your car??”

I look over and my car has disappeared from where it was parked last time we moved it.

My car was GONE.

I started freaking out. In my head, I didn’t know if it had been towed or stolen. I started crying. Adriann was amazing and called the police for me. They told her it was towed and to call this towing place where it was waiting for me. Adriann called and the guy says we need to come pick it up.

We drive up there, and I’m still crying, trying my hardest to stop, but confrontations make me anxious which brings tears and frustration. Once we get there, I say, “Hi my car’s the Ford Focus” ’cause we see it sitting in the body shop, “and I needed to pick it up?” The guy says, “Okay, just need your license and proof of ownership.” I say, “oh…it’s in my dad’s name.” He says, “Uh well the registered owner has to come and pick it up. Where is he?” Of course, “He’s in Missouri.”

The guy very nicely explains what needs to be done - that my dad needs to fax this and this and this. I couldn’t hear anything. I just started crying again and tried to explain to the guy why I was upset - um my car had been TOWED without reason - and I walked outside to call my dad.

I had been dreading calling my dad. A lot. I had made a small resolution with myself to call him this weekend, but who knows if that would have fallen through or not. Anyway, I call my old house and leave a sobbing message on his answering machine because he doesn’t answer. I feel embarrassed, thinking Brenda (his girlfriend) is going to hear it, and I really don’t want her to. I call my mom’s house because I don’t have my cell on me and don’t know my dad’s number so I need to call someone who has Tiffany’s cell so I can get my dad’s number.

My grandma answers (mom’s at work) and I get my sister’s number. I call my sister and she says, “Dad’s out of town in Memphis, probably at Brenda’s trailer.” I don’t want to even discuss that. In my head I was freaking out, thinking there’d be no way Brenda would have a frigging fax machine in her trailer.

I call my dad and he says,”Thought you’d forgotten about me.” Through tears, I manage to tell him the situation. He says, “Well, I’m in Memphis.” “I know.” “And there’s no fax here.” “…can’t you get to a Kinkos or something?” “Why didn’t you call me on Thanksgiving?”

This is where I lost it. Normally, I’m quiet and reserved and kind of white lie my way through these talks. At this point, I just didn’t want to lie and wanted to tell him exactly why I hadn’t called or written.

Me: “Your last email really bothered me.”
Dad: “Well, you didn’t call on Thanksgiving.”
Me: “Can we talk about this some other time?”
Dad: “You could at least call on Thanksgiving.”
Me: “You didn’t call on my birthday!”
Dad: “Yes I did, Tiara.”
Me: “NO, dad, you didn’t.”
Dad: “I sent you $50!!”
Me: ……. “Let’s talk about this later.”
Dad: “Why didn’t you call?”
Me: “I TOLD YOU. Your last email upset me!”
Dad: “I wrote that because I was upset you didn’t call.”
Me: “No not that email - the one before that. About you getting married, dad.”
Dad: “Why did that upset you? It’s not like I’m still married to your mom.”
Me: ….”I know, dad. Can we talk about this later?”

The conversation ended almost after that. Several hours later I got my car and the whole situation was resolved. This was after about an hour of sobbing hysterically to Adriann and having her hold me and just being overwhelmed with grief that my dad doesn’t care and doesn’t GET IT and yet overwhelmed with love for Adriann because she’s the best thing in my life and the most important and beautiful person in the world to me.

It was frustrating to me because I’ve been hearing from my sister what my dad’s doing to her, and it bugs me a lot. Him and Brenda took over the house and though Tiffany lives there, she’s more like a ghost than his real daughter, and he just picks fights with her, and I know she’s not perfect or anything, but she doesn’t deserve to be treated the way he treats her. Nobody does. He actually went snooping through her room to find “proof” that she smoked and threatened to mail that proof to our mom to tell on her. I don’t know what that would prove except that he was the last to know she smokes and I doubt my mom would ever even open a letter he sent her.

I talked to my sister about it all today, and it was good to actually tell her how I felt. I feel guilty for not being this perfect daughter that calls her dad every weekend, but he doesn’t make much of an effort either, and it’s hard to put myself through all the emotional crap I feel when I talk to him or read his emails. I end up feeling 100x worse than before I do, so what’s the point? It’s never going to be perfect, so why bother?

Sometimes I wish I drank harder. I would love to be one of those girls right now that drinks until they can’t think anymore. It would be nice to be devoid of thought for a night.

Adriann’s ipod got stolen today while we were watching August Rush in the theater. That was actually the only bad thing about today (okay, my dad also emailed me, which didn’t exactly make me smile).

We got off work at 1pm, which was phenomenal! I wasn’t expecting it so that made it even better. We went to Ruby’s Diner for lunch and then drove up to see August Rush, which wasn’t really all that great in my opinion. Amazing music, yeah, but the story wasn’t so great. Pretty cheesy to me.  When I voiced this opinion to Adriann, she said, “Cheesy?? And you want to see Enchanted?” ;) touche.

Happy Thanksgiving, Jackie, Vickie, Jenn, Deana, Angel, Heather, Valerie, and anybody else who reads this little blog.