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I’ve been having bad depression and anxiety lately. It’s most likely because of all the stuff Adriann and I have been doing over the past week and a half while her friends are in from Germany, but it’s taking its toll. Here’s everything we’ve done since last week:

* Vegas
* The Grand Canyon (one of the best experiences of my life)
* 8am-1am Disneyland
* 10am-11pm California Adventure

It seems like there was a lot more, but I guess that’s it. @__@ Oh yeah, and WORK. I don’t know how I fit “work” in there, but it’s there somehow, and I’ve actually not fallen asleep at my desk.

Read that last sentence and you can tell how tired I am.

I didn’t make it to the 2nd round of the short story contest. :( It really bugs me, because there was a story I read that I didn’t think was all that great that made it to the 2nd round. Was my story that bad? Was it just because mine wasn’t exhausted with sci-fi? With cliches? Am I just bitter because I lost?

It’s frustrating when you think something you wrote is actually good for a change and nobody else does. I mean, okay, my friends do, but I’d like for strangers to agree as well, even if that shouldn’t matter much.

We saw Sweeney Todd at a $2 theatre the other day, and it was really good. Again. At California Adventure, we got to interact with Crush from Finding Nemo and he called me “Tubular Tiara”, which I was amused by. We’re going to have a bonfire on Friday, which should be fun, but I’m just anxious and feeling so exhausted, so I hope I can separate myself and at least have some fun.

I really want to start writing again. I think once things settle down here and Adriann is back on track, I’m going to devote 5 hours/week to writing. That’s like 260 hours/year, which seems pretty good to me.

*sigh* Time to go. :( :( :(

So…it’s over! I just turned in my entry for the NYCMidnight Writing Contest. Adriann helped me hardcore today go through the last draft and make it as good as possible. It turned out to be 2,411 words, just under the 2,500 word count limit, and I’m mentally exhausted but so glad I pulled through. I don’t think I’ll know for some time whether or not I mad it to the next round (considering my “heat” is the last one posted, I assume I’d be last to know either way) but I am so incredibly hopeful. I did the best job I could, and at the very least, this experience took me out of my comfort zone and pushed me to try something new.

If you’re curious (and I’d appreciate your honest thoughts), here is the final draft. Enjoy.

Displacement by Tiara Louise Rea

How is it that I’ve MADE $36,000 this year and yet I still OWE money to the IRS? I think I must be doing something wrong or the tax program I’m using is whack, because seriously?? I’ve already PAID the IRS like $7,000 this year. How can I possibly OWE more?? :(

It makes me sad. I was planning on getting $1500-2000 back this year and paying off my car so my dad has no control over anything of mine anymore. Adriann and were going to save up and buy a brand new Prius.

:( :( :( blarghle blarghle blarghle. I don’t want to have to go into H&R Block or something. :( rawr.

Maybe I should be on medication. Sometimes, my anxiety is so overwhelming that all I want to do is curl up in a ball and sob. I don’t want anybody to be near me, I don’t want to talk about it, and I fear the smallest things like going to sleep or eating. I can’t describe it better than to say imagine how you would feel if you suddenly couldn’t breathe or walk.

It happens mostly on Sundays. I fear losing the weekend and watching my life go so quickly by. I fear the new week and going to work, even though there’s nothing about work I should fear. I fear waking up and doing normal stuff like showering and eating breakfast.

I used to take these Iron pills every day, and for a while that was helping with my hair loss, anxiety, and random depression. I’ve been trying to take them again, to get back on a routine, but I keep forgetting and it appears that if you don’t take them every day of your life, the old symptoms creep back in. They do help, so I’m trying my best.

Sometimes I just fear I’m going to be one of those people on medication for the rest of her life…and that scares me a lot. Like I need a pill to be normal and do things that are normal to everyone else. That’s so terrifying.

::sigh:: Also, my fic died. Adriann read it over and gave me amazing criticism, and yet I haven’t been able to fix what’s wrong with it or move it forward in the least. I wish it wasn’t sci-fi. I suck at sci-fi.

It’s been a while since I’ve written something meaningful. I miss the old days of journal writing when I actually had time to write and read other people’s entries and really comment on them. Sometimes I try to comment, but mostly it comes off sounding empty or listless. My intentions aren’t to sound that way, so at least there’s that.

I love my job. I love it sooo much and it is the best job I’ve ever had. But sometimes, I really hate the 40 hour work week. I’m only 24. It seems like other people my age are out doing fun things, hanging out, partying, staying up late. Staying up late to me means midnight. Though Adriann told me someone else we work with, who’s a good deal older, told her he was “out late” on a Friday, which to him meant staying out till 8pm. At least I’m not there yet.

But I’m mentally drained. I took a “vacation” in July, and Adriann and I have gone on several trips since then, but it never seems to be enough. I’d love to travel more. I’d literally adore being in a different place every several months. I know that’s not practical, but it’s a fantasy that someday I hope to fulfill. Every day I’m trying to think up get rich quick schemes that fall through. We’ve thought of everything…just don’t have the time or really the mental patience I think to make it work.

Speaking of getting rich quick, we watched Richie Rich today. It was much better than I remembered, and it was a brainless break from thinking for 2 hours.

I’m sad that I don’t get to go home for Christmas. I really kind of miss my mom’s house in Missouri. I miss the snow. I miss the biting cold (it’s cold here, gets down to the mid-30s at night, but it’s not the same). I miss Main Street and seeing the horses with their winter coats. I miss driving down Highway 94 and Highway K. They’re staples of growing up for me.

Sometimes, I think about moving back to Missouri. I know it wouldn’t make me happy at this point in my life. I think it might drive me crazy. I just wish I could live in two places. When I’m sad and missing Missouri, I could have a small place there. When I long for the ocean or want to see Adriann’s family or chill with Deana and the gang, I could go back to California. Wait, I’d like 3 places - make another one in New York, which I also miss a lot. Those three places all hold different meanings for me - Missouri is about stability and the comfort in things that haven’t changed and catching up with the people I love most. California is about amazing friends and family and a beautiful scene with a laid-back culture. New York reminds me of winter and spring, and it makes me think of walking down the hall in my dorm and running into 20 people I know in a row, all of them awesome and unique people. I remember concerts of Matt Caplan in New York and symphonies in the City; I think about my mom and friends in Missouri and seeing Jenn’s shows and Cuppa Jo and ‘home’; and I think of my incredible life, girlfriend, and job and future here in California.

Why isn’t it possible to combine all those places and things? Why does the world have to be so huge?

My dad keeps sending me Merry Christmas emails. I finally responded today with “MERRY CHRISTMAS EVEN THOUGH THERE ARE 3 DAYS LEFT!!!!!” I tried to be lighthearted, but my dad is just… he makes me uncomfortable and very, very sad. My sister moved out to the building behind our house. The way he says that in an email makes it sound like him and Brenda and her son decorated their hearts out and made it homey for her. The way it really is, because she’s told me, is that there’s no TV, no internet, no hot water or shower, and they forced her out there despite the fact she would rather stay in her own bedroom IN THE HOUSE. It’s wonderful my dad suddenly cares about other people’s kids, but he can’t sit there and pretend through emails that he cares about his own. It’s so frustrating and terrible.

/rant.

We went out last night (we being me, Adriann, Deana, Heather, and Greg) for the Christmas Party. We all went to the Cheesecake Factory. The food was pretty good, and we all got dandied up. Adriann curled my hair and did my makeup, Deana looked like a 50s housewife (that’s a huuuge compliment coming from me!), Adriann was so gorgeous I just wanted to hold her all night, Heather wore an awesome sparkly dress she got for like $5, and even Greg looked nice. Not that he doesn’t always look nice - he just looked nicer than usual. ;)

When we got home from dinner, Heather gave us these styrofoam houses to put together. They’re kind of like non edible gingerbread houses. I didn’t think they’d be fun, but once we got started, we were all soooo into it.

Deana brought over High School Musical 2’s extended edition DVD and we watched the Humahuma music video, which was very, very amusing and cute.

Adriann gave me a Nintendo DS Lite for Christmas. ^__^; It’s an awesome present. I can’t even. She also got me the Jam Sessions game for it, which is kind of like guitar hero, only actually a bit tougher. Heather got me a case for the DS as well as these awesome Japanese-style bowls. They’re friggin awesome.

I bought Adriann a Mighty Mouse for her new Mac. She has another gift coming…which I’ll mention later. ;) Can’t spoil the big surprise.

Christmas Eve I’ll be spending the night with Adriann at her mom and dad’s and then going to her aunt’s house for Christmas. I’m incredibly nervous about it. I feel very out of place, but Adriann’s family is so unbelievably sweet. I’m basically their daughter, and her mom constantly tells me this. It makes me feel better, even though it’s really hard thinking about spending the holidays with someone else’s family.

I bought my mom and grandma tickets to see Blast! at the Fox Theatre for Christmas, as well as $25 gift certificates for Red Lobster. I really wanted to give them a nice gift that would allow my mom to take a night off from work and enjoy herself at no charge to her. Everybody deserves a night off. I just hope it’s okay and they enjoy it.

Well, there’s an update for you. Merry Christmas everybody.

I wish the people in my family could be completely happy. If I could somehow box that wish into a Christmas present, I would give it to my sister and mother and grandmother. My sister especially.

News update: My sister is being forced to move out into the building behind our house so that my dad’s new wife’s family can move into the house. Yeah. That’s messed up. :( Why can’t HER family live outside, where there’s no hot water or shower or TV or internet or phones? Why can’t HER stupid dogs be caged up all day instead of my sister’s cat?

Apparently, my dad’s wife is also yelling at my sister. She has NO RIGHT to yell at my family. At all.

I’m not getting my dad anything for Christmas. I have no clue what to get him. What does he deserve from me?

Also, the lady from the new place we want to rent doesn’t sound ready to rent to us, which worries us. We basically stopped looking everywhere once we had all agree we’d move into this new place. The lady sounded ready to rent to us before, we’ve given her EVERYTHING she should possibly need, and yet days before we have to give our current landlords our 30 days notice, she sends me an email saying she’s worried.

And I understand her worries. We’re young. Our credit’s not perfect. But at the same time, I moved out here from Missouri with literally nothing but my savings and a part time, half-assed job, and have made a great living for myself. Adriann and I have lived out here for a year and a half, we have amazing jobs, our paychecks are good, our bank accounts have money in them, we’ve more than proven we’re self-sufficient, and there are three of us moving out to watch out for one another.

I wrote the lady back telling her, if you don’t want to rent to us, please just say so. I mean, if that’s the case, we need to find something new. Poor Deana has been driving down an hour to work and an hour back every day, and Adriann and I have been planning stuff around the move out date and the new place. It’s frustrating to know that after all this effort, we might not even get to move in. :( And we really want to. Really. It’s a beautiful place, it’s perfect for us, and it reminds me of home a bit, which is a great comfort.

::sigh:: I’m just stressed. I really need a break. I’ve been sick all weekend (didn’t go to work on Friday due to the flu) and I’m just dead mentally and physically.

My issue right now is that I feel bad for feeling the way I do. My dad’s getting married, I haven’t called him back since he called on Thanksgiving, and he sent me an email that basically said “If you want to go your separate way, I wish you all the best”. Wtf. You think just because you call me on a holiday to tell me you’re getting married and you’ve changed the whole house that I should be excited and want to talk to you?

It’s so hard. I can’t describe how hard it is. I want to talk to him, to be honest and tell him that it bugs me, pisses me off, makes me feel so left out and overwhelmed. I also want to just never speak to him again, but I know that’s so horrible, and I feel horrible thinking about it.

I feel guilty not calling him. I feel guilty not responding to his emails. But what am I going to say? The conversation with him is going to be painful, and I wish I didn’t have to do it. ;_; I guess I don’t have to…but the guilt and sadness…

I’m going to try to call him tomorrow or Sunday I guess… I just don’t know what to say or how to say it. If I could have a normal family, I would desperately enjoy that. :(

I’ve had a really awesome couple of days. Got a raise, got a bonus, got a new place (moving in January), and have the Christmas Party this weekend with my work.

My dad really bugs me. :( I wish it could be different than it is.