I think I’m the only person in the world with this kind of an issue but…I have major food anxieties. It’s hit me really bad occassionally in the past but it’s been ok since we started dieting, because our meals are more easily plotted out. Until tonight.

We had Subway for lunch, and it was just…not good to me. I was craving a burger with ketchup and of course the one thing Subway doesn’t have is ketchup. Who the heck knows why, but they just don’t. So my lunch, only about 320 calories to begin with, was cut short. I got kind of sick of the food and didn’t finish (ate more than my stomach was comfortable with).

We got home hours later and I was huuuuungry but couldn’t decide what to eat. Usually, Adriann can decide pretty easily but for some reason, she was having trouble too. This elevated my anxiety about eating to the point that I just couldn’t fathom putting food into my mouth. Adriann suggested In-N-Out, which is good and OK for calories, so I figured why not. We get in the car and I all of a sudden crave Chinese: Pick-Up Stix. We drive up there, wait FOREVER for them to get my food together, and I’m frustrated by the wait and the fact that Adriann sat out in the car (she was having issues with her credit card and wanted to call Wells Fargo).

I’ve never been good about being alone in a restaurant. To be perfectly honest, my brain automatically jumps to, “I’m so fat. Everyone’s looking at the fat girl waiting to get her fatty foods to make her fatter.” If Adriann was there, we’d have talked, and my anxiety would have lessened. So we FINALLY get my food and get in the car, head to In-N-Out. Adriann asks if I can go in and get her food, since mine took forever. I go, ’cause…well I felt guilty about my indecisiveness and then the food taking forever…but as soon as I got in, I felt SO out of my element and, again, like the fat girl everyone’s staring at.

The lady behind the counter is awkward and when I ask for “a burger”, she asks, “a hamburger or cheeseburger?” and stares oddly at me. Like wtf, if I wanted a CHEESEburger, I’d have said, “a CHEESEburger” but where I come from “a hamburger” is “a hamburger” with no cheese. x.x;; wtf is there to misunderstand?

At any rate, I sit down and wait. And wait. And wait. My heart’s pounding, my eyes are watering, and I feel sick. I get the food, run to the car, and Adriann’s sitting there, listening to her music at full volume.

Normally, this wouldn’t be a big deal, but I just felt so frustrated and overlooked. I felt fat, disgusting, and ignored. Adriann played her music, turned it up, and kind of ignored me. :\ I felt pretty shitty at this point, my emotions extra-bad because of my period. We get home, I open the Pick-Up Stix, SO INCREDIBLY anxious to finally put food in my stomach, and….

it’s chicken.

Lots of chicken.

I ordered tofu, noodles, and BROWN rice. In the bag are two chicken entrees, white rice, and other crap that’s obviously not mine. I’m out $12 for a meal I can’t even eat and which Adriann probably won’t touch.

At this point, I just break down. It sounds so stupid, but I was mentally exhausted and so DONE with food. I just started crying, sat down on the couch, and sobbed some more. Adriann tried to console me but she was starved, so I went into the bedroom and layed down. I felt like if I watched her eat, I’d just feel worse.

I cried for a good two hours alone, which is the worst feeling in the world. All I wanted was for Adriann to come in and just check on me, but she didn’t…and it was just heartbreaking to me. Finally, after two hours, she came in. At that point she was tired and ready for bed, but my brain was (and still is) going hardcore so I stayed up with Pickle and played/watched SVU.

It’s not Adriann’s fault at all, and I’m not mad at her…just kind of lonely and disappointed and needing to vent. :( Food anxiety, for me, is incredibly hard to explain. To her, it was probably like, “wtf omg she’s crying over chicken!” but to me, it’s all about weight, emotions, and just the letdown I felt while around food today.

I’ve always thought, “if I was skinny, I’d never have to worry about this”, but I’m sure that’s not true.