Nagini, our beautiful black kitten, looooves Pickle. And Pickle loooooves Nagini. All the awesome pics are on our digicam, and I don’t feel like getting up, so I’ll post some later, along with awesome videos of how adorable they are.

In other news…I missed Jackie and Vickie’s bday. :( It’s pretty much made me feel like crap…and I haven’t heard from them since, and I wouldn’t blame them if they’re mad at me, ’cause I would be too, but it’s kind of just felt terrible not hearing from them. I’ve realized lately that I have kind of separated myself from everyone back home. It’s so hard to keep in touch. With Jackie and Vickie, its’ great because even if we don’t know every single thing going on in our lives, we can still continue to connect. Or I hope so anyway, ’cause I am soooo excited about seeing them when I go to St. Charles to visit.

In other other news, Anime Expo is tomorrow! Believe it or not, I’ve never been to an anime convention! *gasp, SHOCK!* I’m dressing up as Severus Snape and Adriann’s gonna be Remus. I dyed my hair to fit the part. Enjoy angsting Snape:

 

Yes, my hair is muuuuuch longer now than it’s been since I was 18. I’d like to get it cut, but it works out well for Anime Expo!

More news: saw Ratitoulle (sp?) and it was FAN-TA-STIC. Seriously one of the best Pixar movies ever. It was just completely original and unlike anything they’ve (or anyone else) has ever made.

Okay, time for bed. :(

We got a new kitty on Friday night. Yeah, we’re going to be crazy cat ladies when we grow up. ;)

She’s about 9 weeks old, pure black with dull gold eyes, and is a TON bigger than Pickle. She’s very elegant, while he’s very um… clumsy. =^_^= We’re thinking of calling her Nagini, because she does remind us of a slithering snake at times. But “Picke & Nagini” doesn’t have the greatest ring. The other name we could go for would be Mollywobbles. I’m kind of partial to this one, ’cause it’s funky and cute and she kinds of looks like a Molly.

In other news, I’m excited and nervous to be going to Chicago and Missouri next month. It’s a little over a month away, but I’m starting to get butterflies. Mostly about the conference itself (I want to have charisma and some kind of social charm, but if not, Amy will more than make up for my lack) but also about Missouri and trying to balance friends & family.

I think, if Jackie and Vickie can come pick me up in Chicago, J&V and I can hang out Tuesday night, I’ll do conference stuff on Wednesday morning/afternoon, and Wednesday night I’ll hang out with J&V on the way home and crash when I get there. Thursday I’ll hang out with my mom and probably grandma, maybe go out to lunch with them and go down to see the horses or something. Thursday night, if my mom’s working, I’ll hang out with J&V and hopefully Jenn (still up in the air, so I’m not stressing over it). If she’s not working, it’s all day mom & grandma if I can stand it. ;) Friday will be all day FRIENDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Maybe the park, lunch, and some awesome STL activity (the Muny? :D). Maybe even a sleepover at my mom’s! That would be awesome. Saturday, a balance — mom & grandma time in the AM, friend-time at afternoon/night. Sunday…I leave. :( Not till 6pm or something, so probably just mom/grandma time till then.

Notice I haven’t mentioned my dad. :( He doesn’t even know I’m coming in to visit. Not sure if I should tell him…though I think I’d be filled with guilt if I didn’t at least go out to dinner or something with him. I feel bad but…I know he’s just going to complain and pin things on my sister and mom…and I just don’t want to deal with it or have to be in the middle.

Anyway, we’re off to PetSmart (our new home away from home) to let the cat lady know how our new kitty’s doing and to get some coupons for kittystuff. Will write more later.

I think I’m the only person in the world with this kind of an issue but…I have major food anxieties. It’s hit me really bad occassionally in the past but it’s been ok since we started dieting, because our meals are more easily plotted out. Until tonight.

We had Subway for lunch, and it was just…not good to me. I was craving a burger with ketchup and of course the one thing Subway doesn’t have is ketchup. Who the heck knows why, but they just don’t. So my lunch, only about 320 calories to begin with, was cut short. I got kind of sick of the food and didn’t finish (ate more than my stomach was comfortable with).

We got home hours later and I was huuuuungry but couldn’t decide what to eat. Usually, Adriann can decide pretty easily but for some reason, she was having trouble too. This elevated my anxiety about eating to the point that I just couldn’t fathom putting food into my mouth. Adriann suggested In-N-Out, which is good and OK for calories, so I figured why not. We get in the car and I all of a sudden crave Chinese: Pick-Up Stix. We drive up there, wait FOREVER for them to get my food together, and I’m frustrated by the wait and the fact that Adriann sat out in the car (she was having issues with her credit card and wanted to call Wells Fargo).

I’ve never been good about being alone in a restaurant. To be perfectly honest, my brain automatically jumps to, “I’m so fat. Everyone’s looking at the fat girl waiting to get her fatty foods to make her fatter.” If Adriann was there, we’d have talked, and my anxiety would have lessened. So we FINALLY get my food and get in the car, head to In-N-Out. Adriann asks if I can go in and get her food, since mine took forever. I go, ’cause…well I felt guilty about my indecisiveness and then the food taking forever…but as soon as I got in, I felt SO out of my element and, again, like the fat girl everyone’s staring at.

The lady behind the counter is awkward and when I ask for “a burger”, she asks, “a hamburger or cheeseburger?” and stares oddly at me. Like wtf, if I wanted a CHEESEburger, I’d have said, “a CHEESEburger” but where I come from “a hamburger” is “a hamburger” with no cheese. x.x;; wtf is there to misunderstand?

At any rate, I sit down and wait. And wait. And wait. My heart’s pounding, my eyes are watering, and I feel sick. I get the food, run to the car, and Adriann’s sitting there, listening to her music at full volume.

Normally, this wouldn’t be a big deal, but I just felt so frustrated and overlooked. I felt fat, disgusting, and ignored. Adriann played her music, turned it up, and kind of ignored me. :\ I felt pretty shitty at this point, my emotions extra-bad because of my period. We get home, I open the Pick-Up Stix, SO INCREDIBLY anxious to finally put food in my stomach, and….

it’s chicken.

Lots of chicken.

I ordered tofu, noodles, and BROWN rice. In the bag are two chicken entrees, white rice, and other crap that’s obviously not mine. I’m out $12 for a meal I can’t even eat and which Adriann probably won’t touch.

At this point, I just break down. It sounds so stupid, but I was mentally exhausted and so DONE with food. I just started crying, sat down on the couch, and sobbed some more. Adriann tried to console me but she was starved, so I went into the bedroom and layed down. I felt like if I watched her eat, I’d just feel worse.

I cried for a good two hours alone, which is the worst feeling in the world. All I wanted was for Adriann to come in and just check on me, but she didn’t…and it was just heartbreaking to me. Finally, after two hours, she came in. At that point she was tired and ready for bed, but my brain was (and still is) going hardcore so I stayed up with Pickle and played/watched SVU.

It’s not Adriann’s fault at all, and I’m not mad at her…just kind of lonely and disappointed and needing to vent. :( Food anxiety, for me, is incredibly hard to explain. To her, it was probably like, “wtf omg she’s crying over chicken!” but to me, it’s all about weight, emotions, and just the letdown I felt while around food today.

I’ve always thought, “if I was skinny, I’d never have to worry about this”, but I’m sure that’s not true.

I’m updating from my cubicle at work, because Adriann’s in the process of selling some huuuuge hosting plans so I’ve gotta keep busy and my brain is dead.

We took Pickle, our kitty, to the vet earlier this week. He looked like he had an inner-ear infection, and I freaked out a little bit. :( The poor little thing was itching and shaking his head and I thought he might have ear mites so I rushed with Adriann to the vet. I hadn’t even eaten, and I was STARVED, but the kitty takes priority now. ^^; He ended up being fine, a little bit of yeast or something in his ear but nothing serious. He was soooo good at the vet’s too. A little scared at first but overall so good about getting his shots, stool sample (*weeps!*), etc. And since then, he pretty much crashed all over our apartment. We bought him a cute kitty bed and he SLEPT for about 24 hours off and on. He slept in our bedroom too (spioled booger) and was just so good all night.

Then last night….he got better. lol We love him to death but he can be SO persistant about his playtime. Especially since he had been sleeping for a day straight, he was READY to play at around 1am. We were not. ;) Needless to say, he didn’t sleep with us last night.

I’ll be posting more pics soon. He’s just impossible to resist.

In other news that’s totally related, we’re going to adopt another kitty. This one will be a girl most likely because we fell in love with this cuuuute little girl kitty who apparently had a bit of a birth defect (her eyes are slightly smaller than normal). We figure, little Pickle needs to have someone to be around every day while we’re gone, ’cause we don’t get to spend enough time with him and we want to make sure he’s healthy. I think I’m going to miss the dynamic we have with Pickle at this juncture, because it’s just me, Adriann, and pickle-kins… but that’s selfish thinking, and I know that. I want him to grow up to be a great, healthy, very much loved and appreciated cat.

Ah what the hell — here are some pics! :D

Down another 5 pounds as of last weigh-in. ;)

Still nothing noticable, but it makes me feel soooo great. I’m getting onboard Adriann’s calorie cap at 1300/day. That’s…let’s just say a LOT below  what I actually need to lose weight, so I think it’s helping me lose it faster. :D :D :D

I’ve officially lost 10 pounds. It’s pretty much not noticable in the least, and I feel incredibly large and blah. :(

Maybe this is my period talking. It could very well be.