What I miss most about the Honors College is the culture. It was always, always, always in your face, incredible, and I never felt like I deserved it. There were times when I would walk down the streets of New York after an opera in Manhattan and just feel my heart swell at the sight of the fountains glowing, the streetlights, the taxicabs, the bustle even at midnight. I miss going to Dean Garner’s house for dinner and talking about a book over coffee, with Valerie by my side stressing out because neither of us had finished the novel. I loved writing my thesis, even though it stressed me out beyond any stress I’ve ever known, and I loved sitting in the classes, around a big table, just talking and listening and actually learning.

If I ever teach, I strive to teach like that.

What a nice long message! All is well here. I have to figure out how to survive 10 more days of events. That will get me to spring break. March ended up with two to four evening events during every week and often weekend events too. ALL WONDERFUL! But I’m teaching FIVE classes and I just can’t get everything done. Still, I love it all. We’re going to do the new Martin Amis book for reading circle–House of Meetings. But I haven’t read it yet!! It’s BRAND new. We’re off to Shakespeare tonight. The reivews have been great. And we go again a week from Friday. We had a great Beethoven’s 5th piano concerto at Carnegie Hall last week. And all Mozart at NY Philharmonic next week. Our weather is the WORST. Massive ice/sleet storm last Friday. There are piles everywhere. Yuk! But spring will come. I’ve been rereading Chaucer for the first time in years for a tutorial. Heaps of fun. Congratulations on your promotion. Richly deserved I’m sure. You can see from how random all this is how frazzled I am. But it’s a happy frazzlement! Yours always, Richard

{stollen from Jenn}

Psychoanalyze Yourself. Answer the following questions
with the first thought that comes to mind. Then read which each answer
means.

Part 1 are the questions. Part II are my answers. Part III explains your own answers. That way, no one cheats. ^_^

————————————–

I. Questions

1. You are not alone. You are walking in the woods. Who is with you?

2. You are walking in the woods. You see an animal. What kind of animal?

3. What interaction takes place between you and the animal?

4. You walk deeper in the woods. You enter a clearing, and see a house, what is it?

5. Is your dream house surrounded by a fence?

6. You enter the house. You walk in to the dining room and see the dining room table. What do you see on AND around it?

7. You exit the house and a cup is on the ground, what kind is it?

8. What do you do with the cup?

9. You walk to the edge of the property where you find yourself
standing at the edge of a body of water. What kind of body of water is
it?

10. How will you cross the water?

——————————-

II. My answers.

1. You are not alone. You are walking in the woods. Who is with you?
Adriann.

2. You are walking in the woods. You see an animal. What kind of animal?
Elephant.

3. What interaction takes place between you and the animal?
I ride him and he lets me lead him through the woods and out by a lake.

4. You walk deeper in the woods. You enter a clearing, and see a house, what is it?
My *old* house, on Stonecrest, in Arnold, MO.

5. Is your dream house surrounded by a fence?
No. There’s nothing to close it in except it’s far from the rest of the world and kind of lonely.

6. You enter the house. You walk in to the dining room and see the dining room table. What do you see on AND around it?
My mom’s sitting there. It’s an old dining table with red and white tablecloth thingies on it. My sister and I used to make crayon shavings there when we were bored.

7. You exit the house and a cup is on the ground, what kind is it?
One of those really flimsy paper ones.

8. What do you do with the cup?
I bite the rim of it. I love feeling it between my teeth.

9. You walk to the edge of the property where you find yourself
standing at the edge of a body of water. What kind of body of water is
it?
The Atlantic Ocean.

10. How will you cross the water?
I won’t. I don’t want to drown.

————————————————————————–

III. Answers

1. The person who you are walking in the woods with is the most important person in your life.

2. The size of the animal is representative of your perception of the size of your problems in your life.

3. The severity of the interaction you have with the animal is representative of how you deal with your problems.

4. The size of your dream home is representative of the size of your ambition to solve your problems.

5. A lack of a fence is indicative of an open personality. People are
welcome at all times. The presence of a fence indicates a closed
personality. You’d prefer people not drop by unannounced.

6. If your answer did NOT include food, flowers, or people, then you are generally unhappy.

7. The durability of the material with the cup is made of is representative of the perceived durability of your relationship.

8. What you did with the cup is representative of your attitude.

9. The size of the body of water is representative of the size of your desires.

10. The way you cross the water is representative to how easy or hard you expect your life to be.

{yes, that’s right. I still fic from time to time. This is a reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeally rough draft. I just wanted to get the concept and basic idea out, as well as the last line. So enjoy, criticize, etc}

====================

Eggshells {draft}

There is something unnaturally painful about looking at Christine when she wears that dress. The one with the translucent, off-white lace around the hems, with the soft pattern around the belt that hugs her stomach. There is nothing particularly wrong with it — it looks beautiful on her as all gowns do — and yet something bites under my skin when I see her in it.

Perhaps it is the way she walks when it confines her — as if she has been caged within the silk ties, trapped beneath rich fabrics that could have adorned Emperors. But I doubt that the way she walks could ever bother me. Christine floats, like a nimble fairy, and when she trips it is only out of some flaw outside of her being and not of her own violation. Fairies do not stumble; they merely catch on twigs.

If it was her expression when she wears it, I would not be aware. There has never been a more docile, submissive look on her face than when that dress is laced properly, buttoned at her back, and tied round with laced ribbons. In that dress, Christine appears smaller, younger, and her face that much softer, sweeter. Her smiles are languid, her blush full of roses and life, her lips full.

It is the fact that I did not give her the dress that bothers me. It is the fact that he gave it to her, that when she wears it, I can still see that he controls her with every breath she breathes in the expensive, Eastern fabric. It is an exquisite ornament, fit for a princess or Queen, but when she wears it, she is not thinking of me and our simple, quiet kisses. She is thinking of him, of passion and naked desire.

Tonight, while she sleeps, dreaming and unaware, I think I shall burn it.

Don’t think I don’t take notice of the summer blossoms as they fall
    I do, and as worn, yellow Chucks crush the cripled pink of each blush,
                I count.

One,
    let’s try to be better human beings.

Two,
    let’s not fear when things change on us.

Three,
    you should never underestimate mortality.

Four,
    someday, you will not have to count anymore.
       someday, you will just walk, like normal people.
          this is the day you should fear.

There are just some days where you allow yourself to dwell on the sentimentalness of life. You think about someone or something or maybe a smell or sight jogs your memory. Either way, you start to miss. Things, people, places, times, adventures, losses, everything. One single thought triggers a whole lifetime you have been living without. Just fine, too. You haven’t missed that life at all while you’ve breathed a thousand times, blinked another thousand, and spoken words that don’t relate to who you were then.

I was walking from my car to the apartment complex today, and I caught a whiff of something in the air. It smelled, felt, and looked like Adelphi in the spring. There’s an activeness to the environment — it’s 6pm and yet people are running, playing, shouting. The sun is so bright still in the sky, the grass is lush and warm, and there’s a feeling like this is the best day you’re ever going to have, as long as you hold onto it.

You want to bottle the sensation, keep the spring of it forever.

That is, of course, impossible. So instead, I write journal entries that will be forgotten, passed over, and I send letters and am unable to send letters.

I wrote the following to Dean Garner, who I miss a lot in moments like these.  Sometimes, I wish….but I don’t feel like explaining:

Dean Garner,

I was feeling completely reminiscent today and thought of you and the Honors College. :) It’s extremely sunny, bright, and beautiful outside — and wouldn’t you know it, I’ve been stuck indoors all day. But now, I’m sitting on my bed, enjoying the view, and taking advantage of a wireless computer and the Chino Hills and Mountain Range.

This kind of weather is something I definitely treasured in New York. I’d take advantage of it by studying in the Quad behind Earle or just taking a long walk around the campus. In place of that, I may take a long walk around my apartment complex, though there are palm trees instead of apple blossoms and a Junior High team playing soccer instead of the ultimate frisbee gang that always frequented the outdoors of Adelphi on sunny spring days!

My job is going so incredibly well. I had a “review” after 3 months of working for Lunarpages and my boss basically did the unthinkable — she kept me on and gave me a…well… HUGE raise to boot. I am now one of two Affiliate Managers in our Business Development team and because the other manager is out on sick leave for a good term, I’m almost in charge. Scary? A little. And also incredibly rewarding. I have to say, none of it would be possible without the Honors College and I thank you every day I realize that.

How are things up North? :) Are the Theses turning out well? And what new books or music are you into these days? And the other professors are well, too, I hope? Tell Dean Della Croce I said hello!

I think someday I need to be a professor myself, as I constantly miss being a part of Adelphi. :)

Take care, and I hope to hear from you soon!

-Tiara

So it has come to my attention that several people have surfed onto my little blog here by putting in some weird search terms in Google. I’ve decided that I’d like to get feedback from these random people, but I doubt that’s possible at this point. Right now, I just kind of want to know what you were all looking for and why my blog seemed the appropriate destination for the following search queries:

1) wikipedia alex goen. Not in quotes, not really too specific as to why you’re searching for these two things. Were you searching for an article about Alex Goen in Wikipedia? Or maybe you just wanted to learn about him? Either way, I came up as the #5 natural search term in Google. Out of 459 matches, I and this blog are #5. Enjoy the content completely unrelated to Alex Goen.

2) “female body more beautiful”. This one’s in quotes. I don’t agree, obviously, unless you’re talking about Adriann’s body ;), but I found it interesting that only two things come up in Google and one of them is mine. I’m sure whomever was searching for this (I’m sorry — twice!) enjoyed the content they found.

3) Zumanity – Photos of the guys. ROFL. I am so incredibly sorry to disappoint whomever searched this out. Whoever you are, I would like to see those pictures too, if you ever found them.

4) pre marrital sex. This one’s pretty awesome, actually. Turns out, the searcher spelled it wrong…as did I! ;) I show up on page 6 of Google for this one, so whoever was seeking answers about premarital sex was really trying to find some serious answers. The quote from my blog that turns up on Google and hooked this person is the most interesting part of the story: “If you can prove me wrong, that your God would accept my homosexuality, pre-marrital sex, and belief in some kind of reincarnation and karma, …” I hope I helped in some small way, stranger.

5) how to make enchilladas. rrrrrofl. Too funny, yet again. I spelled it wrong as well, but the quote that hooked this likely late-night netter was, “They no longer make enchilladas at Taco Bell. This may not seem like much of a bad thing, but I was CRAVING it and I didn’t want to spend a lot of money …”

6) soccer ’sweeper’ 500 words. ……I’m sure you were quite disappointed in the results of this blog.

7) Eerily, on March 3, 2007, someone searched for Tiara Rea and found this blog. e.e; Scary stuff, this internet.

8) theloveisonline. >D These are too funny. This is that stupid porn site I posted on here as comedic relief. This was searched for 4 times where they found my name, on page 1 and 2 in different queries surrounding this phrase, and I’m sure each time they were disappointed I wasn’t Nadia or whoever. Geez.

9) harry potter percy die. =^___________^= That one makes me happy. You rock, whoever you are!

10) And the most searched phrase thus far? “living is easy with eyes closed”. It does help to have my blog name be the same as the infamous Strawberry Fields lyrics. ;)

I’ll recap these every week. I find them fascinating.

Most of you probably weren’t even aware, but about two weeks ago, I took a trip to Big Bear Mountain with Adriann, Deana, Jessi, Robert, Karla, Sandra, Heather, and Greg. It was an awesome trip with a lot of incredible memories. I’ve never been in the mountains when there’s snow up there, and we were so high up (8 or 9 thousand feet) that it was like a whole new Earth. It was pretty amazing to see the snow, the lakes, the trees, and even the mountains higher above us. It almost felt like we were on a flat plane again, because the lake was right there in the middle of the mountains, but knowing we were so high up it was just a whole new experience.

Here’s some pictures I took. I’m hoping I can add Deana’s shots to them (she got some awesome ones, such as me and Adriann on the Alpine Slides and a hysterical shot of me in my man-robe, sitting in a rocking chair) soon, but for now, here tis the beauty of Big Bear.

So first of all, the “cabin” looked less like a cabin and more like a cute little Villa. ^_^ Bright blue, 3 stories, and…a gazillion stairs:

When we got there, the driveway was completely iced over. It was getting towards the evening, and it was dark, and Deana had done an AWESOME job of driving the mountains, even though we were all a little terrified. ;) Anyway, we decided it would be best to walk up the stairs instead of attempting to get the truck up the INTENSE driveway. By the time we made it up with all our stuff (Adriann and I did a good job packing a weekend of stuff into a suitcase, guitar case — can’t forget Raoul! — and a small cooler; poor Deana, on the other hand, had a ton of stuff…mostly because she was UBER prepared), we were exhausted. My chest seriously *hurt* after walking up the stairs with just my suitcase. x.x; So out of shape.

So the first night was basically spent crashing. Greg unfortunately got trashed by drinking too much Vodka and um…passed out. But the rest of us had fun playing Uno around this huge table in the dining room and watching Casper. >D Bill Pulman is definitely the man and the movie was soooo bad. Very amusing to watch years after you remember crushing on Deven Sawa. It was just me, Adriann, Deana, Jessi, and Robert, but when it was almost time for Casper to turn into a real boy, we gathered a crowd. lol

Deana and Jessi basically rocked dinner out for us. We *attempted* to help but found that we were just in the way, so we let them take over. it was so good. Cheese ravioli in garlic alfredo sauce, chicken (and soy chicken for us veggies), and salad. Ugh. So good.

Anyway, the next day, we got up whenever. It was actually SO EFFING COLD in the basement where we were sleeping. Oh, let me back up. We had a drawing for the master bedroom with the fireplace in it and Jessi and Robert got that one. Nice work. ;) Heather and Greg and Karla and Sandra took the other two upstairs bedrooms. Deana took the bunkbed room and right next door (adjacient rooms) in the basement were Adriann and I. Deana, Adriann, and I kind of had little sleepover moments. ^^ Deana could just wander into our room and chill with us.

But back to the night…it was SUUUPER cold ’cause there was some miscommunication about the heater. I had known there was a heater in the basement but apparently didn’t fill Adriann or Deana in on it. So the whole night I thought the heater was broken and they thought that by turning up the one on the main level, that would get to us. >D So we froze, needless to say, the first night.

And, lol, the basement was SCARY. There was a room labled “The Cave” that was completely locked and we couldn’t open it for anything. There was also a place right beside the staircase, like a little room without being a room, and all that was there to fill up the space was a rocking chair. It was SO. AWKWARD. >D who the eff puts a rocking chair in a place like that? Deana and Adriann were both like, “if we hear creaking from the rocking chair, we are OUT of here.”

So the next morning we got up at our own pace. By the time I took a shower and went upstairs, I saw Dean, Jessi, and Robert had all made breakfast. ^^! It was so cute. I really liked hanging out with Jessi and Robert, because they were such a chill, laid-back couple. Even though Jessi’s mostly vegitarian, she cooked meat for him and he was more than open to taste the soy products. It was really awesome. Anyway, after breakfast, Adriann and I stomped around in the snow a bit in our “back yard” and took some pics to document our fun.

The above picture is me sitting on a hot tub. The hot tub was chained, as you can see, though unfortunately it was still hot. As I found out the hard way. Hence the odd look on my face. >D

Anyway, so then we all got ready and went out for the slopes!!! Okay, so we were lame and too scared to SKI or anything (those mountains were intense), but we decided to do this tobbogan (sp?) thing called the Alpine Slide. It was only a couple bucks and the night play prices for innertubing were cheaper, so we wanted to wait for that. Here’s a cute pic of Deana in her cancer patient hat >D:

So we did the Alpine Slides. Deana had good shots of that, but I’ve got a few view pics too! :D Enjoy.

At the top of the lift for the Alpine Slides, waiting in line to go back down.

Adriann holding our Alpine sleds >D

Robert and Jessi. Soooooo kawaaaiiiii.

That’s unfortunately all the pics I have. Mostly because after the Alpine Slides, we had lunch at Denny’s (lol we’re terrible) and then did the innertubing. We had 8 people all connected via innertubes and we aaaaall went down the “Snake” hill, which wound around and was AWESOME. At the bottom, Robert, who was in the front of the line, tried to break with his heels and all this snow and ice came up like a wave around us. It was awesome. Then, Jessi and Robert went down together and poor Jessi sprained her wrist! Adriann fell and got a huge bruise on her but, I nearly fell five times but Deana grabbed the scruff of my coat like a mother dog and saved my life, and all in all we had a terrific time playing around in the snow. =^_^= I’d be up for it again any time.

But after that, we had the Guitar Hero Tournament, which I’m proud to say I won!! ;) Then we watched Robert kick Greg’s ass at Tekken and went to bed. The next morning, we wanted to bring Deana’s truck up the hill, which had melted almost completely of all the ice…except for the half that was still in the shade. We were too afraid Deana’s truck would slide, so we decided to get hot water and pour it onto the ice to melt it. >D After about 100 trips up and down the small balcony staircase to get pots, pants, coffee pots, etc., filled with hot water, we got Deana’s truck up, packed up and left. We stopped by the little Big Bear Village to shop and got some chocolate-and-caramel-covered apples and then went home.

It was an awesome trip, and I felt bad that I didn’t mention it sooner. :) Just didn’t have time.

Blah. Haven’t written in here in a while, but I resolve from now on to do it at least once a week. I read somewhere that that’s the mark of a good blogger — a commitment of once-a-week posting. Otherwise you’ll burn yourself out.

Today I’m burned out. Work has been great, but today social anxiety won out. No real anxiety like usual…just the intense and overwhelming feeling of “I don’t want to do this…” and once it’s in my head, there’s no stopping it. I know this could be seen by people at work. Maybe that would be a good thing. It’s so hard to explain it face-to-face or via email… I just can’t. I know they would be completely understanding about it; it’s just so hard.