living is easy with eyes closed











{December 31, 2006}   saddam

Am I the only person in the world who felt a little…lost after reading Saddam was hanged? I mean, I don’t support him, I think he was a tyrant, and he killed a lot of people, hurt a whole country for his deeds. Yet… I can’t bring myself to be happy he’s dead. How can you be happy someone died?

Sometimes when I think about the fact that someone has just died, I get a strange feeling in my throat, like I can feel them dying and be dying with them. We’re all dying, I know, day by day, but I can feel it. It makes me nauseous and scared. I’m frightened of my own end, of the moment when I’ll be facing whatever the future plan for my death is…

I felt so sad as I thought about him walking up to the noose, having someone fit it around his throat, letting him hang there as he twitched and died.

It’s all over at that moment, and I wonder if he worried about his family, about friends, about loved ones, about regrets, about publicity, about anything. What do you think about just before you die?

Adriann and I recently saw Love at the Mirage in Vegas, and it’s got me thinking about the Beatles, how the two who were the most talented and inspirational are dead and the two who live on produce some meaningful things but mostly just go on being bland and ordinary. John Lennon would have done beautiful, incredible things. George Harrison did do beautiful, incredible things.

Harrison once said: “Everything else can wait, but the search for God cannot.



Since the new Harry Potter book title was announced maybe a week ago, I’ve been thinking about the name and why it was chosen, and so here are my thoughts on the matter.

My girlfriend, Adriann, said that the fact that the word “deathly” was in there meant that it was likely a lot of people are going to die.

I believe this to some extent. I don’t think (and neither does Adriann I know) that JK Rowling is going to kill off the biggies like Hermione or Ron, but I have a horrible feeling that certain people we’ve come to love might meet Avada Kedavra at some point. For one, Rowling has been attempting to make these novels real and so if they’re going to have a big bad war, then people are going to have to die. They can’t use magic to bring them back (unless they want to rot away like Voldemort), and so we’re going to lose people. A lot of people? I hope not.

My predictions? As follows:

One of the Weasleys will die.

Why? Because let’s say 1 out of every 7 people die. There are 9 people in the Weasley clan, counting Arthur and Molly, so it stands to reason that one of them is going to get caught in the frey.

I don’t think it will be Percy, and while perhaps that’s just my fluttering heart praying to Rowling not to kill one of my favorite characters, I have another reason for this: Percy is not finished. Whatever the hell has been happening to Percy since Book Five needs to be cleared up, fixed, and ended entirely. I suppose there has to be one bad apple out of 9, but Percy never struck me as a “bad guy”. I know he’s a presumptuous asshole who basically just wants to push people around and feel important, but that’s not what ruins people in the HP books. Ron had a taste for power too when he finally realized what it meant to be a Prefect, though he pretty much sucked it up with that role, because unlike Percy he doesn’t know how to be bossy and take control.
The only thing that scares me about Percy is this: the references to Tom Riddle. There are numerous aspects of the books that hint of connections between Percy’s power-hungry feelings and the young Riddle’s same lust for power. Just check out what I believe was in CoS or PoA — when Ron, Hermione, and Harry discuss how far Percy’s willing to go to be in charge and feel important. Ron says some scary things. If I can find it, I’ll post it here. The difference between Percy and Riddle, I think Rowling hints at however, is simply in the upbringing. Riddle had a terrible life that led him to viscious hatred. Percy had a loving family who, though poor, did everything they could for him and supported him to their utmost ability. If love is going to save the world in the HP series, then Percy cannot go bad.

How about Ginny?

I’d sure like to rid the series of her! Honestly, I get the Lily-Ginny connection, I get the love-connection, but I just don’t get the Harry-Ginny connection. It’s disgusting to me. Ginny, for one, has no personality. She’s a blank slate and suddenly turns hobag in Half-Blood Prince, so honestly, I wouldn’t feel so bad if she kicked the bucket.

And I could see this happening under only two conditions:

1) Ginny jumps in front of Harry and saves him, just like his mother did.

2) Ginny has to die because Harry needs the will and anger to kill Voldemort (the biggest hole in the book in my opinion, which I’ll get to someday…). Okay, this isn’t really a condition under which Ginny could die, but either she saves Harry and it’s so that he can be angry enough to perform an Unforgivable Curse, or it’s just because she wants to save him.

Alright, so how about Ron?

NO. Nuff said, but worth mentioning that if she kills Ron, it’s pointless. I guess it would anger Harry ala what I said Ginny’s death would do, but otherwise there’s no meaning to it, so killing him would just be for shock value, something I don’t think Rowling would do to us. She’s a writer not a romance writer (as is evidenced by Ginny/Harry kisses…blech).

The Twins?

Again, I see no point. I’m not even sure they’re going to fight. Maybe she distanced them from Harry and the gang just for this last book. Then again, it could be a horrible clue that in HBP, people were using Fred and George’s tricks to help protect themselves. I think, though, the whole world would react negatively to the Twins’ deaths. And yet, she’s a writer, so if it becomes necessary to do away with them…. *sighs*…. so be it.

Molly or Arthur.

Yeah. I can see that, unfortunately. It seems possible that Molly and Arthur’s death could lead Percy out of his stupid power bubble and into the real world and maybe he’d get off his high-horse and do something to help them or at least out of love for the memory of them. For Molly and Arthur, though, I don’t know where to start in telling you how they’ll die. Honestly, it’s a toss-up for me, because if she does kill both or one of them, she’s going to have to make it mean something for another character. But it’s likely Voldemort could use them to get to Harry. They’re his second parents, after all.

Bill or Charlie.

Certainly. Good bye, Bill and Charlie! They’re pretty useless unfortunately, even though I looooved Bill before Rowling decided to put him with Fleur. I don’t get it and hopefully will never get it. Hey, she’s almost a member of the family; she could die!! *cough*

So my prediction for the Weasley Family? —-> Charlie, Ginny, Arthur, or Molly.

I think I should write more on this later. I have a lot to say, so let’s call it Part 1. ;)



{December 28, 2006}   New Year’s Resolution

Yeah, lamely, I still make new year’s resolutions. Every year, I think of some kind of thing to be better at next year. Most times I fail, but that doesn’t keep me from trying, which is the beauty of the idea — every year, I can try again, no matter what happened last year. That just gets erased and I can write over it.

This year’s resolution is pretty simple: Master Ruby on Rails (RoR)

That’s right, Tiara is going to be a programmer next year.

Seriously, it would be just about the greatest thing in the history of the world, and though I know next to nothing about RoR, programming, or writing applications, I’m going to at least gain some knowledge either way. And it’s not like there aren’t a plethora of tutorials on RoR out there for me to look into, study, and practice with. Plus, I can install it on my brand-new laptop (weeee! I love you Dell!!) and play around in my spare time.

I guess my secondary ambition for the new year is to make eleventy billion dollars, but I have a feeling I may not make such an overzealous quota.



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{December 26, 2006}   something in the way…

I hate coming home. I really do. I mean, I love it. I love seeing my friends, driving down streets I remember by heart, and seeing that nothing has changed since last time I was here. But what I hate is the loneliness. It always creeps in, no matter what I do or who I’m with or without.

I guess today it was my dad’s fault. He’s been lonely…and I understand. Just recently, my mother divorced him, and I don’t think he realized my sister would eventually go to London for school (possibly to live) and I’d end up in California (possibly New York to live). He kept telling me this whole ‘break’ that he missed us being around and that he understands we want to spend time with our friends because that’s what he did when he was a kid and when his parents died, he wished he’d spent more time with them.

I understand but… he brought this on himself? My mom has yet to tell me exactly why she divorced him, but I know he cheated on her (possibly numerous times) and spent all our money and racked up bills in her name, etc. Pretty much ruined her name financially. And I always feel guilty about him being alone, but I thought seriously about it today and realized that it’s not my fault. It’s really not, no matter how bad I feel, because when I looked back on my youth, I couldn’t really remember any times my dad wanted to hang out with me. I mean, when I was young, we played baseball in the front yard, and I remember how proud he was when I whacked the ball all the way over the trees and past the driveway. He said I could really be a player if I trained and practiced, but we both knew that wasn’t in my future.

Anyway, I remember that… At the dog shows, it was always mom, me, and Tiffany. Not dad. I don’t remember dad ever being there with us… On vacations, my sister and I would fight over who got to sit with mom or hold mom’s hand, and I secretly always went with dad because I knew it would cause an awkward scene if I let Tiffany fight with me over it. But…besides the baseball thing, I don’t remember times with my dad much. Not just “Tiara and dad” times anyway…

I wondered today why it’s such a major thing in my life to make him proud of me. It shouldn’t mean so much, since I barely spend any time with him, but his approval on things, even little insignificant things, is what I constantly strive for. Like, I just recorded a CD with my girlfriend, and I put the Beatles cover Nowhere Man on there just for dad…

Blah. Yesterday, his eyes were teary when I talked to him. Tomorrow, I have to say goodbye. I don’t know when I’ll see him again. I wish I could say I loved him. He told me he went to Denny’s I think for Thanksgiving…and that he really missed having Christmas with all of us.

Gods, it hurts sometimes, not being able to say “i love you” and knowing — really knowing — one day it’s going to be too late.

I didn’t get to see one of my “best friends” this trip home. Yeah, it bugs me. She barely contacted me… What constitutes a best friend? I really miss her.



{December 25, 2006}   Protected: ditched.

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{December 24, 2006}   Hello world!

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